Book Review - POSSIBLE: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

POSSIBLE: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict. William Ury (2023, Kindle Edition)

Conflict is everywhere… in the workplace, at home and in the world around us. Many scholars have argued that conflict, if managed effectively, can lead to positive growth and change. Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict is written by negotiation expert, William Ury, co-author of the classic, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, and co-founder of the Harvard Law School program on Negotiation.

In his newest book, Possible, Ury draws on 45 years of experience in navigating conflicts in search of answers to questions such as: “How can we deal with our deepest differences without destroying all that we hold dear?” “How can we find a way to live and work together—even with inevitable conflicts?” “What does it take to transform tough conflicts from destructive confrontation into collaborative negotiation?” From Ury’s perspective, we need to change the way we see conflict and the way we choose to live with it. Instead of just starting from the problem, we need to start from the possibilities. Based on his experience, Ury offers a roadmap for conflict resolution called the path to possible⎯which helps us achieve such a change in mindset, enabling us to see, create and act on new possibilities.

Throughout Possible, Ury takes the reader on a journey for imagining victory⎯a path to possible⎯ that follows a circle of possibility around a situational conflict. The path begins with the balcony (victory one), proceeds to the bridge (victory two), and ends with the third side (victory three). Accordingly, Ury devotes 3 chapters to each victory in which he explains in detail what each is, why it is important, and how to achieve it.

More specifically, in Chapters 1 and 2, Ury introduces the concept of a path to possible mindset and the three victories framework, respectively. These two chapters offer illuminating insights and perspectives that warrant reflection on how we react to and address conflict. The structure for the remainder of the book explores each element of the circle of possibility in sequential order as follows:

Chapters 3-5 describe “Victory One: Go to the Balcony”, and include details on how to unlock our potential firstly from “within” ourselves by exercising three innate powers humans possess: i.e., to pause and reflect before acting, to zoom in and focus on what you want, and to zoom out and see the larger picture. In these chapters, Ury describes how to see the possibilities in a conflict situation by reflecting on and facing the best and worst alternatives to a negotiated agreement.
Chapters 6-8 describe “Victory Two: Build a Golden Bridge”, and include details on how to unlock the full potential “between” parties by exercising three other innate powers humans possess: i.e., to listen deeply and understand the needs of others, to create options for mutual gain, and to attract buy-in from others. In these chapters, Ury describes how to transform a polarizing conflict situation into creative possibilities.
Chapters 9-11 describe “Victory Three: Engage the Third Side”, and include details on how to unlock the full potential “around” us by exercising yet another three innate powers humans possess: i.e., to host and welcome all parties to the proverbial table, to help all parties see the possibilities, and to swarm and create a strong coalition of persuasion. In these chapters, Ury describes how to mobilize positive action as a collaborative team.
In the concluding chapter, “A World of Possibilities”, Ury recaps how and why the path to possible is a valuable tool for surviving — and thriving — in this age of conflict, and presents a call to action for all of us to become “Possibilists”.

Throughout the book, Ury uses a storytelling approach to illustrate the value and importance of adopting the possibilist mindset. He stresses the importance of persistence and resilience in addressing adversity, and offers practical strategies for de-escalating tensions and fostering a climate of mutual respect and trust. The following are select quotes from the book that particularly resonated with this reviewer:

“Instead of trying to resolve conflict and reach agreement, can we aim for something more realistic and more sustainable than resolution? What if we were to focus on transforming conflict?” (p. 10)
“Agreements are finite and often transactional; they come and go. Transformation is relational and can continue long into the future. Agreements are outcomes; transformation is a process. And unlike some agreements that may take a long time to reach, transforming conflict can start right away.” (p. 11)
“The possibilist mindset is a curious, creative, and collaborative way of engaging with our differences in these divided times.” (p. 18)
“The problem is this: We are not going to get rid of conflict—nor should we. But we can change the way we see conflict and the way we choose to live with it. Conflict can make us think small. We reduce the whole thing to a win-lose battle between us and them. Often, the bigger the conflict, the smaller we think.” (p. 26)
“In destructive conflict, we react out of fear and anger and we end up getting in our own way. We need to do the opposite. We need to get out of the bunker and go to the balcony instead—a place of calm and perspective where we can keep our eyes on the prize.” (p. 27)
“The biggest obstacle to getting what I want is not the difficult person on the other side of the table; it is the person on this side of the table. It is me. When I react without thinking, I become my own worst enemy. I am the one who keeps getting in my own way.” (p. 54)
“In deep listening, we listen not just for what’s being said but for what’s not being said. We listen not just to the words but to what’s behind the words. We listen for the other person’s feelings and perceptions. We listen for their wants and needs, fears and dreams. We are genuinely curious about them. We listen to connect.” (p. 143)
“The secret to listening well to others, I have found, is to listen to myself first. … If I can’t find a way to pause and resource myself, how can I find the capacity to listen? If I don’t zoom in to what I really want, how can I zoom in to listen to what they really want? If I don’t zoom out and see the bigger picture, what incentive do I have to listen?” (p. 155)

Through a rich blend of theory, practical insights, and real-world examples, Possible presents a useful framework and practical tools for navigating conflict of all types and scale, from interpersonal disputes to more complex and larger scale political crises. Definitely, a recommended book to add to your leadership library.